phhhhhhhpppptttttt

and sometimes it just takes forever to heal.
i'm not afraid to be alone, because the truth is, i will never be really alone.
i'm not even afraid not be loved again.
i'm just sad that you don't love me anymore.

Have you ever thought about death?

As I was lying on my bed this afternoon, trying to calm myself down from another tantrum cycle, I realized that I am, sooner or later whichever comes first, going to die whether I’m ready or not. That realization was coupled with a feeling of both fear and surrender. I have always thought about death. I’m not like other people who have apprehensions when it comes to death. I don’t believe that talking about my death may, by some bizarre reason jinx my life. I think primarily, the thing that really made me afraid as I lay down there thinking about death, was basically the fact-ness of death. It animated my understanding of my own mortality—my not really being indestructible, that someday, I really am going to die. I never really gave much thought to that even if I always talked about death. I somehow went past that and just continued living my life as though I am an immortal person. The surrender came because I guess I just had to succumb to the fact that there really is no way out of this one. This is not some freak occurrence that happens to really inauspicious people. It happens to everyone.
What bothers me though is that 1)what would really happen to me when I die? In church, I’m taught that physical death is just the birth of our spiritual bodies. I believe this, however ridiculous this idea might seem to other people. But I’m not fully convinced. Of course, dying is not all there is to it. They talk about belief, acceptance, forgiveness, grace, etc. and all this time, the only thing I’ve been focusing on is the death part. Yes, I believe, I’ve accepted and well, asked for forgiveness, but I don’t think I’ve actually had that authentic moment of grace. Or 2)what would happen to everyone else when I die? when my grandfather died and my grandmother died, nothing really changed. Everyone else was still breathing, the earth continued rotating on its axis, and the moon didn’t stop revolving the earth. Which leads me to my last thought: I am not living my life to sustain another person. I am living my life because I want to survive. I don’t get all cranky because someone’s frustrated, I get cranky because I’m frustrated. I don’t get sleepless nights thinking of another person (or maybe I do superficially) but in actuality, I can’t get sleep because I’m thinking of myself and how much I need want that person in my life. I finish my food not because there are a couple of million other kids out there dying of hunger, I eat because I enjoy eating and I find pleasure in eating. I try to make myself look presentable not because I want the praise of other people but because I want to look good about myself and get past merciless remarks from stupid asses. I could actually go on but I won’t.

Now that I’ve finally figured out what my life is all about, or partly realized what my life may be all about, I think it’s time for me to try doing something about my limited time here. Maybe I’ll start with psyching myself to this idea that I’ve been so recklessly enlightened on.


Or maybe not.

tomorrow, one of my bestfriends will be celebrating her third year anniv with her boyfriend. i called her up and lo and behold, they're starting the celebration as early as tonight.. no they're not doing some hanky panky thing, they're just out on a date.
sometimes, oh ok, most of the time, i dream about having my own anniv. i used to celebrate Jan.12 because sa far, that has been the closest i could get to an anniv.. but i realized that celebrating an "anniv" alone is just not the same.. (erm, do i need to explain that further?)
so, back to my friend and her three year relationship. i've been with them from the start. i've always backed their relationship, i've helped her sneak out for a date, i have told her mom a dozen lies just so they could meet and i was there when they finally told her parents that they were "mag-on", and so were the rest of her guests in her debut. her mom cried and pinched me. she told me "sabi na nga ba eh.. pinagtakpan mo pa noh.." and i didn't just do all of those sneaky things because she's my friend. somehow, i felt that i wasn't wasting my time helping her out because i've always believed that they would last forever. and fortunately, i was not mistaken. whenever i see them, i don't see a mushy kadiri couple helplessly trying to make the relationship work out. I see a love so effortless that it all seems but natural.
then, one of my other bestfriends just broke up with her boyfriend who she's been with for a year and a couple of months. well, i love my bestfriend and all but i just really don't know what to say about her ex. and that love needed so much effort that i just knew it wasn't gonna last.

i just watched till there was you on cinema 1. piolo doesn't know how to kiss... sayang.. anyway, i guess that explains my senti mushy mode again..
anyway, duty calls. need to be driver again for mader..

this week, the days seem to be moving so slowly. maybe because i seem to be doing nothing at all. despite the fact that i need to do one last paper for my Visual arts class and read 136 pages of readings for my philosophy oral exams that's going to happen two weeks from now, i still feel that i am not doing anything. but i'm not complaining. This at least beats being stressed out all the time. i'm actually thankful that the hell weeks are done.

i'll be having a "field trip" on saturday and i can't find the courage to ask for P550 from my mom for the fee. you see, i'm already loaning 7000 from her to buy a new phone. i'm thinking of paying for the trip myself but i was thinking of using my savings (all P500 of it, hehehe) for the phone. hassle..sana milyonaryo na lang kami.

had my oral test in history this morning. generally, i think it went pretty well. it was a group oral test anyway. i only need now to wait for the results to know if i will get exempted from another oral test.

jeri, ellimac and i watched momento at los otros today. galing ng movie na yun. nakakahilo at nakakakulot ng utak pero astig. it would be interesting to meet someone who has temporary memory loss. sarap pagtripan siguro. anyway, i recommend the movie if you guys want to watch something with a little bit of a twist.

there. it's just tuesday...damn.

btw, got my period already! yey! i'm not abnormal anymore! :D

yey! New Skin!

i haven't had my period for three whole months now. No i'm not pregnant. i haven't had any kind, to say the least, of physical contact with the opposite sex. I'm feeling the abdominal and chest(breast) pains already so i'm thinking and hoping i'm having it soon.

i recently finished 3/4 of all my classes. I am now just taking one class every mondays, wednesdays, and fridays and one class during tuesdays and thursdays. after my classes, i slack around at starbucks, waste my money on a venti white chocolate that tastes like nido, on a chickenjoy and on mcdonalds fries, although i won't call the last two wasting money because it's all worth it.

I'm still feeling terrible about myself though. somehow, food does not give me satisfaction anymore. well and i good i suppose. I don't have reasons and excuses of eating now. but of course, i still can't stop myself from eating. and i don't think that that is the least surprising.

i got to talk with happytuesday this afternoon as she was eating chicken nuggets at mcdonalds and as i was trying to finish my starbucks nido.(and we saw sweatbloddtears' sister there too..she's really pretty :) while talking to her i realized how much in life i still want. i won't go into boring details here but i really want a whole lot more than this life i have right now.
i realized how extraodinarily ordinary my family life is. (or at least my parents are.) they're quite hard to explain because they're such intellectuals and me describing how they are won't really give them enough justice. but we are an abnormally normal family because in a world where everything is but normal, being normal is so boring.

when we got back at starbucks, i had the worst time of mixed emotions yet. i couldn't understand why at the same moment i was feeling sleepy, active, frustrated, sad, depressed, guilty, inlove, out of love, (fuck scott peck.) murderrous, tame, invalid, sick, stupid, ugly and explosive. (or was it implosive?)
in other words, that was the worst bout of feeling terrible that i ever had.
going home, i kept on screaming at myself. I must've really looked stupid if you happen to see me from outside. I kept on shouting and cursing and somehow, it made me feel a little better(not about myself of course, but a little better about the situation i was/am in.) i drove like a madman to my mom's office and when i got there, i slumped in her couch and waited for her to finish playing text twist on her PC.

i really don't understand why i'm feeling so useless right now. for the first time in two months, there aren't any long tests to worry about, no papers to do and no reports to fix. i am actually feeling free as a bird with regard to schoolwork and i'm really grateful for this because i actually don't need a reason to get crazier. inow that i should at least try to accomplish all the other things that i'm supposed to be finishing for this sem but i feel that i should grant myself an off this week from all the hassles of school.

i got to spend time with mr.smiles today. (yes, from now on, he is mr.smiles.) i got to spend two minutes with him. (that's still spending time in my book) what's funny is that before i left for school this morning, i was thinking about him and thinking of how i should ask him to help me with my closure. ow, but i've had my closure of him already. i think and believe that i am over him already but i just want to be able to talk to him and clear things out and not just be content at leaving everything so ambigous between us. but he's the least of my troubles now. really.
i remember i was telling happytuesday too about lola(mr.smile's blockmate who i am having a terrible time liking) lola is named such because she looks terribly like one. with a long skirt and a shirt with flower prints all over it. (i'm bad. i am not exactly the trendiest person) and i also have seen lola smoke. boy this is where she sucks the most. its bad enough that she smokes, but smoking to look cool...ewan ko na lang. she's the hithit-buga type and looking at her, it just doesn't fit her lola image. well anyway, i think this hatred that i have of her stems from my being jealous of her spending more time with mr.smiles than me. of course she'll be spending more time with mr.smiles since they're blockmates and all.DUH.(sorry talking to myself here...) i dunno. maybe i really just don't like girls hanging around mr.smiles in general. maybe not. i don't know. as i was saying, i spent two minutes this morning with mr.smiles and well, it was ok. we got to chat for a while, but i never got to asking him about my closure. i didn't think it was the right time anyways. Mr.smile's power still works. after parting ways, i found myself smiling. maybe mr.smile still has that special place in my heart (eeeeewwww..how awfully cheesy..)

for the past couple of months, i've been feeling really bad about myself. I have this feeling that i'm actually not good at anything anymore. i used to think before that i was at least good at writing but i suddenly feel that i have lost that thing that made me write before. this ugly feeling, this realization of my ordinariness started a couple of months ago when we were asked to submit a resume for this class i was taking this sem. I had to write there my skills, my interests and all the other crap that should represent me so that companies would at least think of getting me. i don't know what i'm good at anymore. I used to think i'm good at friendships but even at that i think i'm starting to suck. i think i'm being too clingy to some friends, i think i'm being too demanding sometimes. this evening, someone from the FGD that i'm going to attend on tuesday called me up to interview me/screen me for the FGD. she asked me how many siblings i had and i was surprised because instead of saying just one, i remembered to say two. i realized that i am now the middle child. i am a middle child who is in need of attention. but now that i think about it, it's not attention that i need. love? no. friends? no i have friends. self-acceptance.maybe. or maybe an absorbed attention from a single person who'll love me, who'll be my friend and who'll help me accept me for me. weird. i'm really feeling so bad about myslef right now. ihate feeling this way. somehow, i feel that i'm so low, compared to my friends who seem to know what they want in life. i guess that's waht's adding to my confusion as well. I have no idea what i want in life. I don't know what i want to become when i graduate. I don't even know if i'll be able to get a job because i don't actually have the best course in the innumerable courses offered by the Ateneo.
should i just live my life each day as it is? doing that would save me from all these worries. But i'm scared that if i do that, i might end up doing nothing in the future, i might end up with a more bleak future. i am seriuosly starting to hate myself. it seems like i'm not good enough at anything, i'm not even good enough for anyone. What the hell is happening to me? maybe i'm a frustrated actress. Maybe all this is a show and i'm just reading a script that some psycho made for me. i'm such a boring person. And making 'pa-cute' won't work for me. nobody will even notice that i'm trying to be cute already. this is not self pity. i'm just feeling stupid about myself. i wish that i knew how to pretend. just pretend that i'm not this stupid. i wish i knew how to at least make other people think that i'm not as boring as i really am. i'm getting tired of always being on the waiting end of something. be it in friendships, relationships and my future.