i didn't really know what i was supposed to do on a free night like this, so i ended up writing a short story...hope you enjoy... i did..hehehe
ps.. i didn't know how hard it was to pick a name for a character...it took me more than 5 mins just to think of a name!
she sat by her window trying to figure out
what just happened that afternoon.
Everything was just wonderful, the
uneventful classes she had that day, the
oily lunch she had at mcdonalds, the
lounging she did at starbucks with her
friends that afternoon and the talk she had
with him. Everything was just wonderful
except that now, as she sat by her window,
staring into the vast clear night sky, she
couldn't take her mind off him. She has been
spending a lot of time with him these past
few weeks. They talked about death that
afternoon. The death of a pet dog that she
loved so much, the death of a pet fish that
he actually didn't like, the death of
roadkill people see on the way to the
province and they're own separate deaths. At
first he didn't want to talk about it. But
her incessant questions on whether it was
better to die in the cold or by getting
burned left him no choice but to share some
intellectual insights on her seemingly
stupid questions. They talked on and on
about how she wanted to die but never really
got into how he wanted to leave the world to
go to that other place.
"I wonder how i'm gonna die?" she said,
"well, you can always cross EDSA with your
eyes blindfolded you know." he replied.
"you're so morbid! i wouldn't want to be
killed. I just want to die."
"well, killed, die, it's the same, you're
gonna get killed either way right?",
"well, i want my face to be intact, and my
appendages well stuck on my body at least.i
was thinking more like getting really tired
from rounds of sex and hyperventilating and
then dying of heart failure or
something..hahahaha...",
"you're crazy..why are we even talking about
this?we both know that we're a long way from
that.We haven't even finished out thesis
papers yet.I haven't even made my first
million.",
"wow, and you're calling me crazy? at least
i'm realistic! you're first
million..sheesh.you're never gonna earn a
million selling your paintings and your
poems!"
"you always think the worst of me."
"i'm sorry,i was just kidding. You're so
touchy these days.What's wrong with you?"
"nothing."
"ow, come on. Yesterday, when you came to
fetch me from class you were as quiet as a
mouse. Then, when i picked you up from your
class this morning, you didn't even bother
to greet me a good morning and i was so
hyper and cheerful coz i saw you again.so
what is it? did that girl you were trying to
swoon dump you again?
"no."
"then what the heck is your problem? you're
not usually like this. You're always perky,
and cheerful and you used to make me laugh."
"nothing."
"ok, fine. if you don't wanna talk about it,
keep your bad mood to yourself. I'm having
such a great day. Don't be such a killjoy
ok?"
"i'm sorry."
"for what? for being such a big pain in the
ass?hehehe. Lighten up dude. The world isn't
gonna end tonight."
"well, it should.i'm hoping it will."
"see, there is something wrong with you.
Come on, tell me. It's not like i haven't
ranted every little thing that pisses me off
to you."
"it's really nothing. Sorry i'm being such a
pain in the ass."
"i was just kidding!Ano ka ba?"
"sorry.i just can't really tell you right
now."
"ok, but try to smile at least. You look
uglier when you're like that."
"will this do?" and he smiles like a stupid
idiot, crossed eyed and mouth opened wide.
"yeah, you look so cute like that..just like
my pug. haha..so where do you wanna go?"
"kaw bahala..i'm not really in the mood for
anything particular."
"you wanna hang out somewhere?to smoke
maybe?
"you know, you better try to quit that.its
not really good for you."
"umm,, duh! as if i didn't know
that!.besides, you're talking as if you
don't smoke 2 packs a day!"
"i'm trying to quit."
"trying to quit ha?talaga lang?"
"oo nga.I haven't smoked a stick all day."
"alright. so what do you suggest we do?"
"ewan ko, i'm not really in the mood for
anything, i just want to stay here and sit
and look at the clouds. stay with me
please?"
she looked at him,surprised at the
desperation in his voice.He looked so
fragile, sitting there, staring at the
emptiness before him, his mind obviously far
beyond the horizon he was staring blankly
into.She never saw him this way and this
bothered her so much. She wanted so much to
take away the seriousness in him that
afternoon and have her crazy friend back.
She was dying to know what was on his mind.
"well, do i have a choice?"she said with a
smile on her face
"just stay with me please?"
and they sit there for hours not really
talking but being fully aware of each
other's presence. people pass by them as if
they're two invisible individuals,and as the
sun starts to set, they catch the last
glimpse of sunlight and moments later,
they're enveloped in the darkness of the
night.
"are you feeling better now?"she asks
"yeah.a whole lot.thanks for keeping me
company."
"are you sure?coz we can always pitch a tent
here and i could sleep there and then, when
you're really feeling better they maybe we
could go home then."
"why do you have to make everything as a
joke?"
"sorry..."
"no, i'm sorry...i didn't mean it that
way.it's just that my mind's just so full of
bull stuff right now. I shouldn't have said
that. I'm sorry."
"you know that you can always tell me what
you're problem is right?i was just trying to
make you feel better by joking.i didn't mean
to offend you or anything."
"yeah, i know, sorry for the stupid
comment...and thanks for being so patient
with me."
and she looks at him and sees tears forming
at the corners of his eyes.She looks away,
trying to pretend that she didn't notice,
giving him time to wipe it off before they
streak down his cheeks. but before she knew
it, he was sobbing there, his hands covering
his whole face, his shoulders jerking up and
down with every effort to conceal his
emotions.
"Pao, are you alright?what's wrong ba
kasi?please tell me. i don't want to see you
like this."
...sobs...
"pao, we've been friends for so long na..i'm
sure no matter how embarrassing it is you
can always tell me, i never judged you or
anything.please..?"
and he manages to stop crying.. silence..
"i'm sorry.. i should've brought you home
already, you didn't need to see me like
this."
"no, it's ok, i really didn't want to leave
you like this either..come on pao, what's
wrong?"
"I still love you."
...
"did you hear me?i still love you. i know
that i was such a fool for letting go of you
before, for not actually doing anything to
make things work out between the two of us.I
know how much i hurt you and believe it or
not, i got hurt every time i saw you hurting
like that and not doing anything about it
made me feel even worse. Then, when i asked
you to be my friend again, you didn't think
twice and just said 'of course i'll be your
friend, you always have'.That's what made me
realize how stupid i was to let go of
you.You were nothing but nice to me and i
hurt you. And i want to kill myself
everytime i remember how much i hurt you. i
never realized how much i loved you until i
saw you getting over that thing that
happened between the two of us. When i heard
your laughter again, that laughter that i
missed so much in those months that we
didn't talk, i told myself that it's all
over, that you finally are getting on with
your life and i was left having nothing but
the guilt of hurting someone who loved me so
much. I know that it's too much if i ask you
back into my life after what i have done to
you, but i really need you back..."
she wasn't able to say anything after that.
it was shock together with
confusion,frustration and anger that she
felt. How could he tell her this right now?
Just when she was just picking up the peices
of her shattered life? How could he be so
selfish and ask her this now? Now that she
finally convinced herself that she isn't
waiting for him to ask her back into his
life? Why now? Why just now?
For months she was hoping that he was just
taking a break from all the drama between
the two of them.For months she waited beside
her phone for his calls, for him to at least
want her back in his life. And after those
months of desperation over a guy who she
loved more than her own life, the guy she
thinks she'll love more than anyone she'll
ever love,the light of her life, came months
of convincing herself that it was better
they didn't work it out.She convinced
herself that everything happened for their
own separate convenience.And now, this...
she was still sitting by her window when she
heard a soft tap on her bedroom door.
"why aren't you asleep yet?it's 2 in the
morning." it was her mother,
"I was just killing the light."
Nov.20.2003.10.44.pm
