my starbucks coffee tasted terrible

i was reading my borrowed theo book this afternoon at starbucks and then i came across this: "fear of the loss of self-primitive fear;one chance at happiness; one fears that one may waste or has already wasted it" and then i kept thinking whether i have actually succeeded at wasting that one chance at happiness. i'd like to think that i haven't.and besides, i believe that i can always find happiness somewhere else and that it's not objectified in a single entity.

anyway, kiel and i had breakfast at mcdonalds this morning and we had a looong chat about the future, the present and the past. i was telling him why i want to have that someone with me now. No, it's not because i have this exploding urge for physical contact. as i told kiel, i want to be able to talk to someone at the end of the day, without worrying that i'm making his life shorter by letting him spare about an hours worth of his life with me on the phone. I want to be able to have someone beside me watch children play at the mcdonalds play area and enjoy the view. in other words, i want someone i could spend time with and not feel guilty or defensive about it.ahahay.... tama na nga..

so far, i've been feeling better with regard to what i was feeling the last time i posted. but nothing really wonderful has changed yet, but i'm feeling so much better. i even conditioned my hair tonight. i'm really feeling better. hehe..my mom bought this horse-conditioner chuchu.. and it smells so nice! bango siguro ng mga kabayong gumagamit ng 'mane 'n tail moisturizer and texturizer conditioner' hahaha... i badly need a haircut...its been over a year since my last one... next week siguro...:D

i had a reality check last night that really racked my brains out. i was hoping it was just pms or something, but somehow, i don't think its just that. I was telling andrei that i really don't know what i want to do with my life. and that bothered me a lot. he ended up being this motivational speaker and our 'seminar' lasted for about 6 hours. (or 5?) i realized a lot of things last night but still, my life's still not that clear.
well, the seminar started with my establishment of my goals(short and long term) and this was what i came up with:
1. i want to be rich
2. i want to build a nice house for my parents
3. i want to travel the world
4. i want a boyfriend (shempre nilagay ko talaga to..tsk tsk)

what surprised me was that i didn't write down that i wanted to grad..but i will.. i hope i do. and, now that i think about it, i should've written "i'm going to be.." and not "i want.."
having done this, we then moved to my acceptance of my incapacities:
1. i should be more assertive
2. i have low self esteem
3. because i think my skills are mediocre, i should develop
them further

then my mentor for the night kept on relating everything with riding a bike.. and somehow, he made a lot of sense.
i still don't know what i want though, but he said that it was ok.

i'm talking to myself more that ever and its helping me psyche myself to act more and complain less.

Although i'm still PMSing so complaints can't be too far away.

fighting evil spirits

it was a spectacle seeing all the wonderful umbrella fireworks tonight. my tito made this firing line of super lolos and cast away evil spirits that might be lurking.after that, he lit a couple of giant 5 stars, or whatever you call those things, a couple of triangulos and a sawa. all to scare bad elements away and to have a peaceful new year ahead of us all. personally, i didn't believe any bit of it. i for one believe in fate and destiny. if i'm bound to be faced with evil this year then it was meant to happen. But of course, i'd rather not.

waiting for our other relatives was torture as hell. I kept on eating the food that my lola served. there was pork asado, mechadong pato, leche flan, halayang ube, sopas, macaroni salad and barbecue. i promise to go to the gym as soon as classes start.

i was trying to fight my own evil spirits while watching the spectacle of lights in the sky. but my mind kept on getting interrupted by thoughts of how much those people spent on fireworks. as my dad put it "isang libo isang putok." sayang. sakin na lang sana yung pera nila. But then again, i was watching for free so who was i to complain. i was thinking if i should even try to make a new years resolution and decided not to remembering how soon i broke the one i made last year. so no new years resolution for me. i just intend to be the same person i was last year, maybe only better. But i'm not gonna force it. it actually doesn't feel like it's a new year. everything feels just the same. only now, i'm more contented with my life. I am not longing for anything or anyone, i'm not wishing for something and i'm not hoping for anything. everything's the same. nothing's changed. After all, that's what my friends always ask of me.. don't ever change..haha.. corny.

my neice fought her own evil spirits tonight. She spewed out everything she ate and drank and got rid of the evil things in her stomach.. and i had to clean after her. eeewwww... i hate cleaning vomit.

after seeing the gloomy faces of the people surrounding me tonight, i am thankful that although life isn't perfect, or close to being ok for that matter, i still had reasons to smile. i welcomed the new year with a smile on my face and, if its true, i might be smiling the whole year. great.