I read this article about angelina jolie and her journal burning phase. She said that having her journals made her look back on the past and it trapped her there, ( or something like that). Now i was reading my journal earlier this morning and i too feel that i am trapped, so much, in my past. I have been fervently hoping for the past few months that i could just go back to all those happy days and fix every stupid decision i've done to make me a better person right now. But i'm too attached to my journals to burn them.. all 10 of them. I started having journals when i was around 13. that's about 7 years of my life, written on paper. and i don't think i could just turn them all into ashes.
But as my friend told me once, having all those memories, and listening to all those stupid love songs reinforces feelings i should have let go of a long time ago.

ahhhrrrgghh...letting go is so fucking hard! maybe, just maybe, when i can't take it anymore, i might just burn some of them...

got this from the site Men are from Vulcan, Women are from Klingon... how i got there? dunno...

happy read...bagay sakin..

You're Still Single?

BEING SINGLE is a curse, which is why people who are married
or involved with someone - your parents, friends, even people
you just met - pester you with the question, "You still don't
have a boyfriend/girlfriend?" This question, often asked in
a mocking, bewildered manner, is usually followed up with more
questions. Such as, "What's wrong with you?", "Are you gay?",
"With a face/brain/career like yours?".

Sometimes, they give words of reassurance like, "That's okay.
You'll find him/her soon.", "Don't worry, you're still young.",
"That's right. Focus on your work/studies."

More often than not, they give unsolicited help such as, "Hey,
you want me to set you up?", "You should get out more.", "I know
a great cosmetic surgeon."

So if you are fed up with this question, and it usually pops
up during weddings, Valentine's, reunions, and practically
every evening, here are some ready answers you can use to make
them stop once and for all.

Are you still single?

1. Yeah, Tom Cruise/Nicole Kidman said he/she is still waiting
for his/her divorce papers. (say it with a giggle to show you
have a sense of humor)

2. Technically yes, but theoretically, I'm going out with someone.
(this sounds really intellectual)

3. Do you believe in reality? I don't. I think everything we see
is just a product of our imagination. Like having a boyfriend/
girlfriend. Right now, you're not really existing, I'm just
making you up. (say this if you're into New Age stuff)

4. I don't believe in marriage. I don't believe in relationships.
In fact, I don't believe in anything. Ignorance is bliss.
(say it with an indifferent wave of your hand)

5. I did. He/She died a month ago. (don't say the same thing
to the same person)

6. I'll give you, like, a hundred bucks if you promise never
to ask me again. (do this if you have money to burn)

7. I promise not to hurt your family if you stop asking me that
question. (preferably, open your jacket slightly to reveal a
knife/gun tucked in your pants)

8. My work contract prohibits me from getting involved with
someone. (some people are really gullible, so this might work)

9. Get thee behind me, Satan! (the person will most likely not
recover from the shock)

10. Maybe. (act coy and mysterious; just give vague answers;
pretty soon, the person will just give up)


finally something to say during those reunions...

sana naman hindi ako i sue ng copyright chunelu..

yey!! got to watch na bruce almighty! it was hilarious! =) fun fun!

got to talk to ping yesterday for a very looooong time...hehehe galing ping..tiniis mo ko ng mga 4 na oras! shalamat! ilarvsh yu!

anyway, i was watching oprah yesterday and they featured the YAYA sisterhood thing. and it made me feel so glad that i have my own set of YAYAs...hahaha... i mean, sisterhood.and like those people there on TV who have been friends for about 35 years, i too hope that my set of friends lasts if not as long a whole lot longer..

anyway, i hate thursdays and fridays.. labo talaga ng color coding... shet! nakikipag-agawan ko lagi ng kotse sa tatay ko... buset..

hay.... ewan... putcha.

may 25, 2003
going up here to Baguio seemed like semi-suicide. hehehe my brother (yes, he's back to that..no longer is he called the stupid sibling) drove us here. and it was like he wanted to join the freaking grand prix! we were doing an average of 120 km/hr...and with the windows open, it seemed really fast!
anyway, it was semi-suicide ... or homicide since if we died, it would be my brother's fault. whatever...
my dad talked to me earlier this evening. It was rather casual for the seriousness of the topic. he looked into my handbag and saw my pack of marls. he kidded around the idea that he thought he was looking at my mom's purse..ah basta..
i don't know if i'm glad that they knoow(that i smoke).it's really something i wasn'tdying to inform them of, and it isn't something i'm proud of either. this smoking thing will pass...i will one day realize that i need/want to quit..but not just yet. it still helps to cool me down sometimes.
It's super foggy up here in baguio.wala lang.. ganda lang =)
heniweis, i wanna go to burnham tonight and eat all the street food i could find,,,haha takaw...


May 26, 2003 7:45 AM baguio
i woke up thinking aboout him again. maybe because it was awfully cold here and the one person i thought of wanting to hug at that moment was him...

i always ask myself why the hell i can't let go of what i feel for him when it's clear that he has & that i'm hoping for a miracle when i think that things would go back to the way they were before.

All i know is that i loved him ( i still do actaully), he loved me and then it was gone. it was really all so fast. (maybe that's why i always end up longing for it.)

But hey, think about it, isn't something so nice and something that made you truly & extremely happy worth holding on to?

there are times when i just want to hold him and let him know that i still love him. But that is a risk that i'm not willing to take. Not only is rejection the feeling i hate and fear the most, it's the permanent damage to our friendship that i'm more worried about. I've caused too much damage to what we had by being so god damn impatient. and if only i could turn back time,(yes,,,as cliche as that may sound) i would. and if that happens (like in a parallel universe or something) i won't be asking too many questions. I'll just go with the flow of it all and hope that it lasts longer that it really did.

ow, and everytime i remember how we held hands, (yuckkk...cheesssssseeeeeyyyyy)i sorta forget to breathe.. ewan... cheesy but true...

ps..if the risk came from him, i'd gladly accept it and tell him 'no damage done'.

anlamig.... dadami na naman populasyon sa pilipinas...

aalis ako today! i'm going to baguio! and then, i'll be back tomorrow...hahaa... papagurin ko lang sarili ko.. my parents decided to go with my relatives to bring my lola back to where she belongs..hahaha sama... pero totoo naman eh.. she enjoys living there..ayos na rin yun minsan.. malayo sha samin.. she can really be a pain sometimes.. yun nga lang when my cousins and i want to go there.. mejo malabo kse may bantay.. pero ayos lang. anyway, can't really say anything worth reading.. hopefully i'll get some of my writers juices out at gyobags...

legal na ko magyosi...
good kse hindi ko na kailangan magtago mashado...
bad kse mas madami na kong niyoyosi ngayon...
hayy.....

May 21, 2003

9:08 Am
On my way to Ateneo for Moro. Note to self: you still have around 2 weeks left before your membership expires. Then, I remember I haven’t eaten breakfast yet. Wonder if I’ll have something to munch on first before working out?

9:20 Am
at moro already. Kla won’t be here for at least an hour. Wonder if I’ll start working out? Ow, saw jewel at the treadmill, said hi and left…things are in the locker rooms, Nicolae, cell phone, & my pack of Marlboro lights are with me…breakfast…yeah, 1 stick of marls, to go please..

9:45 am
sitting alone at the blue cow café, still haven’t started working out—not in the mood yet and besides, I’m waiting for Kla. I’ll just read Nicolae then… exciting!!!

10:30 am
Still no sign of kla, the story’s getting more exciting! Have to finish this book soon… but I can’t concentrate..too many distractions in here….Bball clad boylettes singing the “who’s on the bus” song, pathetic, overly-OA (hahahah redundant) girls (‘i’m so galit at you na…blah blah blah…’)… reading on…

10:45 am
got kidnapped by kla.. now going to katip to have brunch… BENTO BOX.. the place to be.. got spicy tofu w/ ground beef. Ok na.. read preview and FHM mags… got to see position of the month..as if that would matter in my life right now.. maybe I could store that info for future consumption…haha..

12:30 pm.
On our way back to moro, in raymond’s scary car…. The range rover defender…astig! =) wonder if I still have time to work out? That was what I was supposed to do after all..note to self: you have to pick mom up by 1:30 at her office..

1:00 pm
getting ready to take a shower..ditched working out today… tomorrow promise..

1:30 pm
mom’s office.. got prepaid net card (yey! Finally I could update my blog and check my mail!) & prepaid cell card.good..i can use my phone again. Told mom about porn stuff on our PC, thanks to no good sibling. TOO BAD * wink wink *

2:00 pm
back at home, saw tatin… ghastly choice of clothing! Have to change her… mom starts sermon on stupid sibling. Sibling acting like he couldn’t care less…argh… I want to kill him!

2:30 pm
Stuck in libis traffic..on our way to laguna to celebrate bday of lolo who passed away 3 years ago. Mom and now, dad still continuous w/ the sermon.. ‘find a job..’ ‘stop acting like a child..’ ‘your mind is full of trash ..’ blah blah blah…

3:30 pm
at grandparent’s house in laguna, suddenly an urge to smoke..looking for a place where I could smoke.. ow, ok.. computer room…

4:33 pm
tito knocking on locked computer room, had to extinguish too early my cigarette…I go down to find out why tatin’s crying… damn! Stupid sibling wasn’t looking after her…burnt her leg on the motorcyle, skin is so burnt it turned black! Damn my stupid sibling! … mom terribly angry..again..

5:00 pm
packing pancit and puto in Styrofoam for the ‘yagits’ (accdg to my tita) at the church where mass wil be held in honor of lolo…greasy..
tatin still crying because her leg hurts. I want to stick stupid siblings face on the motorcycle & burn him!

6:00 pm
at the church already. Got assigned to offer one of the flowers..oh well…. It won’t be that hard…

7:00pm
mass ends.. we give pancit and puto to the ‘yagits’ and go back to lola’s house. Having fun with 9 year old cuz playing with tita’s 3650. picture picture!!

8:30 pm
going home now… saw the makati skyline from C5..thought about the future…will I be a carrie (of sex and the city) wannabe and live in a nice condo at downtown makati?invite guy friends over and do god-knows what? Or… passing by libis, a condo at eastwood, or getting home… stay with my parents till I find myself a husband who has his own condo at makati, libis or even at Cebu?

9:30 pm
back home…. Talking to mytha on the phone…mom trouble again.. can’t believe insensitive-jerk boyfriend (sorry ta) not caring zilch about her..note to self: get a boyfriend who can give you attention not only when he wants to..

10:30 pm
just put the phone down,,,now getting ready to take another bath.. it’s too hot!


11:00 pm
here writing .. just remembered .. I told mytha it’s a lot harder now trying to figure out what we are.. before.. we weren’t sure if we were children or adolescents ..now…are we still adolescents or adults?

11:38 pm
just about ready to fall asleep…guess who I’m thinking about again?
Should try to spare time to see the matrix..don’t wanna be laos…har har…

---signing off--

understanding Tatin 101
....hehehe i was about to log off na sana.. eh bigla narinig ko si tatin...

TATIN: apay..apay...apay..aaaaappppppaaaaayyyy...apay...
translation: tinapay! tinapay!tinaaaaaaaaaappppppaaayyy!....breakfast nya toh!

TATIN:(at the side of the swimming pool shouting at my dad who's doing some laps) LOLO! whatur you doing der?
LOLO: (goes near her) i was swimming. come here..JUMP!
TATIN: no! i don't layk!
LOLO:come on.. i'll catch you!
TATIN: no! i'm a frend! i'm a frend!
translation: no! i'm afraid, i'm afraid!

TITA JOANNA: (holding lolo's coffee mug)
TATIN: hey! das mayn!
TITA: ano ka? kay lolo to noh!
tatin: aahhh... das mayn yan ni LOLO!!

TATIN: (out in the compound singing like hell) WWEEEEE AAAARRRRR A FFFIIIINNNNNAAAALLLYYYY>>> we are a family... yung kanta ni jamie rivera ba yun?? hayyy...

i finally got to watch a movie again. and what's nice about it was it was a premiere! because of the kookoo things happening in the house, my tita decided to give me 4 complimentary tickets to the premiere of how to lose a guy in 10 days. you guys should watch it. it was really funny. haze, paul and i kept on laughing all throughout the film. anyway, i learned a lot from it and somehow, it made me realize all the mistakes i've done. hehehe...the other night, i missed my laptop terribly. i have this habit of bringing it out in the middle of night and just tinker with it or compose something.(thus, it sometimes is my rant outlet.) but since it still is gone, and my brother is so firm on his belief that he is innocent, i had to make do with my good ol' dependable g-tec and journal. i guess you just have to be pleased with what you have and not think of the what you should have. (ngek..labo) basta. yesterday, due to a really tired set of muscles, i decided to skip gym. tsk tsk. i ended up staying in the bench, secretly cursing the people at the other bench for being so noisy and rowdy and OA.(it made me think...were we ever like that?) and i kept annoying lin and drei ow, and jami. i wanted to see them all and i wanted to have someone stay with me there at the bench. hhehehehe i saw lin, and drei and karla. then had lunch with drei and karla at mcdonalds and i stayed at national bookstore(my place to be..hahaha) for an hour just looking at books and mags. its a great way to pass time. but sometimes i frustrate myself because i want to buy the book but its too pricy..ok senseless... i think this is such a bore to read.. you know why? coz i just woke up a few minutes ago! hehahahahahheheheheh... i'll go get some breakfast.

ironies of my life

part 1
Its ironic how i want to be independent and have my own house
when i go crazy just taking care of our house
its ironic how i skip lunch to avoid calories
but binge during the afternoon on Pringles
its ironic how i get to use the car
but never really get anywhere but school (i'm just too obedient)
its ironic when i have the money to buy that perfect top(or skirt or pants)
but never seem to find my size
its ironic how i sometimes get irritated at people who smoke
when i myself smoke packs of cigarettes
its ironic how i get to sing so loud at church (together with tears sometimes)
but can never get myself to clap my hands with the beat like the people surrounding me.
its ironic how one song could automatically bring a smile on my face a few months back
but make me cry now
its ironic how i miss a person terribly to the point of craziness
and act as if i don't care when i see that person.
its ironic how i have so many GUY friends
but can never have a BOYFRIEND.
its ironic how i enjoy spending time alone with myelf
but more often than not, wish i was sitting quietly with someone at that same moment.
its ironic how i feel so alone
when i'm actually with a lot of people

dark wishes

the moon in its solitude in the night
watches me as tears flow from closed eyes
i long to be up there with it
where i could be surrounded by dark mystery
where troubles fade into its blackness
where any thing and anything i desire could be mine.

wow...after 3 hours from my last post, my blog looks a whole lot better. at long last.. di mashadong olats ang blog ko.. har har

joining in the fun

and i thought these nights were over. it felt so much like hell here at home tonight. It's ironic i still call this place home when sometimes it just doesn't fit that description anymore.the last time i remember having this kind of night here was when my brother went out, supposedly to go to bible class, only to be caught not having gone there and lying about it. my parents talked with him at the garage, in the dining room, at the living room even up to their bedroom with the conversation just cycling along the lines of where were you? why didn't you go to bible study class? I'm telling the truth, I did go, mr. so so even saw me there. But how could mr.so so see you there when he was with us tonight here at home? bla bla bla...it went on and on and on just like that till 4 am. and it wasn't resolved. I'm guessing they got tired of it and hit the sack. And now, it's much worse than that. There were fists, brooms, arms, fingernails and to a point, almost a gun. This time, it wasn't because he didn't go where he was supposed to but because i lost my laptop, the same laptop, however old and jurassic it is, that i so carefully keep in its bag, in my room, with the doors locked. i noticed it last week. I was trying to look for the charger. Couldn't find it. Even thought i was being careless forgetting if i took it out of the bag without returning it. told myself i'd look for it the moment i got the chance. then, tonight, i go looking for it again, only to find out that not only is the charger missing, my laptop is gone too. Now, isn't that amazing? things seem to be disappearing from that bag. I wonder if my brother would fit in it?
Now, i'm not jumping into conclusions, making accusations here, thinking and believing for a fact that it was him who got it and who probably sold it to some cheapskate who wanted a really old laptop. Its not like this never happened before. I just never thought that he could be so stupid as to sell something that someone would absolutely be looking for anytime soon. (then again, i lost nga pala my cellphone here at home some years back) and yes, andrei, tanga talaga. And just a while i ago, i even joined in the fun. had a real good time hitting my brother and imprinting my fingernails on his chest, arms and i think i even got him in the face! wasn't i a sharpshooter?! But hey, i didn't do that just for the heck of it. I could've locked myself in my bedroom if i wanted to but he was going too far. My dad, who has a heart problem, was steaming mad and was trying to cool his nerves. My mom, being the activist that she is, went for the attack approach and bantered my brother with endless speeches, more accusations and a list of more things missing in this HOUSE. Naturally, my deranged brother, being the psuedo lawyer that he is, started fighting back with nasty, and i say nasty, words which my conscience couldn't handle. So i stormed out of my room and well, joined in the fun. MY mom was really mad. And while i was trying to save them both from splitting each other up into pieces, my mom proposed that we go push him down the stairs. They're really going out of ideas already. tsk tsk... while all these may seem quite amusing, i'm telling you it sure as hell isn't. And it got me into thinking again. At that point, while trying to figure out in my room if what i did was right, i thought of this one person i'd really like to be with right now. someone who i feel could really calm me down and make me believe that life isn't this bad. But it would really be hard for him to make me feel fine and just help me with this. But i don't blame anyone, especially him. even i don't know how i could help myself. I'm scared of the fact that my brother may get back at me sooner or later. But it's not as if i was the one who made his life the way it is now. I'm scared because he's deranged, stupid and jealous. And add to that the fact that he did threaten me more than once that he'd get back at me. But what the heck.... when its your time, it's your time. (he-ll-oo, my brother may be crazy but he sure isn't a murderer..or so i think... what am i saying??)just recieved a message from haze. She says i should sleep and hope that everything gets better tomorrow when i wake up. It should. My brother's gone.

yey.. i'm back home!! i went to subic last wednesday with my parents and my relatives from dad's side and it was ok.. tiring as hell but ok, nonetheless. we were about to leave at around 4 pm so i ditched afternoon gym... tsk tsk tsk.. sayang bayad. i really wanted to go though because i would finally be able to work out with someone i actually knew. but no, i had to skip that chance because my parents wanted me home before 2 pm. anyway, it was all cool until it was 6 pm and my freaking relatives weren't at our house yet. i even fell asleep in our garage waiting for them to arrive. at 8 pm, they finally arrived.. after 4 hours of being late...grabe. so we were on our way to subic.. yey! got there at around 11 pm and found out that the place we were going to stay at wasn't all that nice.. but as long as the airconditioning worked.. i was solved. we were about 20 people but there were only 2 rooms with 3 single beds each. so we had to fix things up pa for us to have somewhere to sleep at. i was thinking, if in case they ask me to sleep in the living room.. aba, masaya sila! i want to sleep in a room noh! good thing we had a baby. we had an excuse to get a room. sometimes, having tatin has its advantages! but not having enough rooms was not the biggest problem. since it only had two rooms, guess how many bathrooms there were? ONE! and mind you, my cousins turned the bath tub into a mini pool...where they frolicked and giggled and shouted for hours on end...bull.. i had to wait 2 hours just to be able to take a bath.. and when it was my turn, eveything was wet.. you'd think noah was there with all his animals and sons, but it was fun..nonetheless.
following day, i was dragged to watch whales and seals...woopeedoo.. =(. good thing after all the smelly fish and overpriced food there at ocean adventure, we got to go to the beach. nice.. got to spend time with the sky and the wind and the sand. even got to play volleyball (or was it, serve it to the other side and then the other side would serve it back? no volleying happened at all...) then nighttime, my cousins and i drank all the vodka, and to our desperation Blue Nun, that we could. snatched some marls from my dad and walked the pitch dark streets of Subic to have a smoke...fun...then after that, we called it a night.
this afternoon, to my delight, my parents allowed me to visit my bestfriend in bataan! yey!! i got to see vanessa again!!!=) chitchat, tour of the pier, and just plain good time with the angel of my life. =) man, i'll kill any guy who'll make her cry.
and now, back home... yey?? suddenly i don't feel as exultant as i did when i started this whole thing.... being at home meant chores, work, fights and hot heads once more...
that hell of a vacation for three days really worked me up... even made me thankful that at least i got to get out of the house... and having thought all these things about that trip, i'd have to say that, yes, it was fun... nonetheless..

first day at the gym. and surprisingly, i can still walk after all the things the trainer asked me to do. i even did a lot of boxing moves there because as it turns out, my trainer is also the boxing instructor . what's funny is that he always mentioned that he was the one who taught judy ann santos to throw punches, i think for her movie with piolo..wow close kami (which, i confess, i watched at cinema one...harhar) anyway, after all the gruelling jumps and runs and bending, he made us lie on our backs and started stretching our limbs like they were made of rubber... it actually felt good. but then again, his hands were all over me, and aparently, that's just the way it is there. i was in shock for a moment. and while he was stretching my legs, he was talking to me and giving me advice and telling me what i should do in the gym. It was all good except for the fact that he was giving me a shower before i could actually take one in the shower rooms. His saliva was flying everywhere!! And being the polite girl that i am, well, i acted as if i wasn't bothered... but it was really disgusting. anyway, all is good, i'm on my way to realize my personal legend (thanks lin for the book! =)) can't wait for tomorrow!!

that took a while.... josko... kailangan pala ng utak dito.... anyway,,, cge... i'll try to learn more about this thingy.. hahaha....

ok... i have so little knowledge of this thing, but since i'm not doing anything.. i thought of trying it out. ayun lang...