Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.....

....astig to no?

sept. 19, 2003
i slept half the day away. I've been feeling so off this past week. Maybe because i haven't gone to the gym the whole week and because i finally got my period after not having it for two months. anyway, sleeping passed the time, it revived me in a way, and i'm looking forward to not being able to sleep tonight.

i'm a member of friendster and i think i currently have 9 friends. haha..and to think other people have around 60-100. anyway, ok lang.. wala naman akong net account to check on it all the time.

i slept again. i can't believe i waste so much time sleeping. tomorrow, pasok na naman. I really hate my saturday classes. i'm never taking saturday classes again. promise.

yesterday was my longest stay in starbucks. I was there from 10:30 am till 7:oo pm. and during those 6 1/2 hours that i was there, i only ordered 1 drink. hehee..kuripot. and brought in two orders of mcdo take out. I think it's where the new bench is. at least now, i have somewhere to go to again. i am no longer a nomad.

i was in school at around 6:15 am yesterday to beat the coding and it really gets depressing there that early. i was getting so paranoid yesterday and i was telling myself that i'd be graduating with bad memories of college. memories of going to school so early and not doing anything else but study. its true that we should never let schooling interfere with our education--Mark Twain. education gets really boring and my schooling will never be complete without my friends. i'm glad they're back. i'm glad i'm back.

as i was sitting at our old bench that morning, i must've looked really down for my former PE 101 classmate Natsy to approach me. we were never really close but she's always been good to me. And she talked to me and stayed with me till i had someone else with me. She asked me if i was feeling ok and i told her that i was just probably stressed and what was funny was that we never really remembered each other's name until i finally asked her (after talking for around 10 minutes.) i was visited by an angel yesterday and yes, God still watches over me. thanks natsy. and i won't forget your name this time.

then, i went to the library, and cut my philo class because i wasn't able to get a copy of our readings for that day. And i was afraid that we might have a quiz and i'd end up failing it. then, as i was walking to my next class, who else to bump into but my philo teacher! all i could do was say "hi sir" and he gave me a smile that said so much. parang tipong, sayang sana pumasok ka na lang dahil wala namang quiz. wala ngang quiz, tinanong ko sa classmate ko eh. siyet.

i'm thinking of putting him in the happy memories part of my brain. that's all he is to me now anyway. I must've been fooling myself thinking that we'd still end up as good friends, i mean really friends. at least he was something to me. he depresses me too much now.
i was telling my friends yesterday that i'm torn between not wanting to see him and wanting to because i miss him terribly but i'm scared that the experience won't be as fulfilling if it happens. (yesterday, after my last class of the day, everytime i saw a benchmate, i asked for a hug..i really needed it) and i know it won't be as easy to ask one from him.. and a hug from him is what i really need right now.i'm still asking myself what i did wrong for this to happen.. i guess it will one of the unanswered queries in my life. oh well...

i can't understand why some people turn away from love. and when its gone, they go looking for it in all the wrong places. they just don't know how lucky they were before..and i'm not pertaining to him and me here..wala lang..just a thought. stupid twerps.

my agenda for tonight, watch tv, start our thesis paper and think. my mind is so fit..wish i could say the same for my body

i've been enjoying my free days for the past 2 weeks now. As much as possible, i try not to go out of the house if i'm not really supposed to do anything. But idleness can really kill a person. Because i've been spending too much free time by myself, it has been hard to stop my mind from thinking about things again. even if i actively choose not to be physically active (think about this, as i am typing this, i am comfortably lying on my bed with my computer propped on my knee) my mind continues to be the hyperactive thing that it has always been.

********************

i've been haunted by memories of him again. yesterday as i was walking towards the parking lot in school, i remembered how we used to talk and walk the whole school while my sundo wasn't there yet. then, i passed by that corner behind this particular building where we had our first serious talk. then, as i was walking to my comm class, i passed by this walkway beside the covered courts which we walked on as well. sometimes, i feel that every little space in Ateneo reminds me of him.
i was reading ABNKKBSNPLako by Bob Ong and just reading something about simbang gabi reminded me of him again. I just don't know how to stop this pathetic haunting experience in my life.
he still haunts me.. and it has been over a year now.

**********************

i had bangungot again the other night. I don't know if it was because i ate too much that day or because of something else. it was frightening because it felt like i was awake but when i tried to move my body, i just couldn't. I even thought i was sitting on my bed already but then i realized, i was still in the frozen situation i was in. i could see clearly my whole room. my dresser, the small couch, the chair infront of my dresser, my side table but i just couldn't seem to make my arms move. it was really scary. then i woke up. i mean my body woke up. thank god i woke up. i thought i wouldn't be able to see another day. hehe

it always happens to me. and sometimes, i just really don't know why. sometimes, it comes pa with funny sounds i hear in my head. sometimes, it feels as though someone's whispering things to me then it becomes slurred speech or something. mas scary yun.

another scary thing happened a few weeks ago. and this time, i wasn't even asleep yet. I was getting ready to go to sleep, fixed my pillows, fixed the blanket over me and then i was praying na my evening prayer. while i was praying ( and i remember that night i was really praying seriously) i heard someone whisper 'annoying' to me. (darn..natatakot pa rin ako thinking about it.)

a sudden turn of events. i spent the whole day at home doing practically nothing.I wanted to go the gym today but because of my wonderful neice, i got locked out of my room and all my things were trapped inside, including my driver's license, so i couldn't even go anywhere. anyway, i just slept and watched tv (our television downstairs only has 3 channels..2,7 and 13 so i got really bored with all the afternoon tele dramas that were shown) as i was saying, the turn of events. I said that i have been missing people less right? but i suddenly realized how much i really miss two particular people. first, paul. well, i never really get to spend time with him anymore much less see him around school. i just miss him because i really liked telling him about my day and not being able to do that sucks. i wonder if he still knows me? exagg...
then,of course,i miss hazelle. i don't know why i can't seem to get the chance to spend time with her. It's either she's that busy or we're both busy. i miss talking to her and telling her everything.now, talking to her is such a surprise.and i don't think it should be that way. i'm sad that she's busy with things, but i'm frustrated at myself for not trying that hard to spend time with her. somehow, i just don't like squeezing myself in her life right now. i just miss her. I miss talking to her, laughing with her,eating out with her, watching movies with her, and being quiet with her...although that rarely happens.i miss her talkativeness, her childish voice, her sorries, her company, her unexpected gifts, basta, i miss her.
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do we have to accept the fact that some friends just go? i mean, is it really given that some people stay and some just go,sometimes, for no reason at all? i feel sorry for those who left because they barely got to know me..(wow,,self praising wierdo) but i just feel that they could've stayed longer and got to know me better.

but i guess i'm just thinking too much about all of this. i think people are still there, even when you think they're gone. i have proof. I got to see my good friend jo-nie last last week at a variety show at miriam. i never thought i'd be able to hug her again. we were friends back in 1st year high school then we lost touch after that year. all throughout high school, i'd watch her with her friends and i'd wonder what happened to the girl i got to hang out with.. ok..drama..so i left high school believing that i won't be able to talk to her again. Then, that night,during the variety show, i got to talk to her again, catch up and yes, i got to hug her again. it felt nice being able to reconnect with an old friend and it felt even nicer to be able to hug someone who you never thought you would be able to talk to again.(thanks jo-nie! :) )

so guess, they're still there...and someday, i'd be able to hug them again...

so far i've been missing people less and telling myself more that probably, i don't need them as much as i thought i did.it's been working pretty well for me. Although i know that i sound bitter and scarred, i'm ok.i have so many other things to preoccupy myself with anyways.

first off, my laptop got a virus from the net. Only proved one thing to me. Norton is no good. or probably, i should've updated it BEFORE the virus destroyed my laptop. but, everything's almost back to normal. My laptop's fixed (thanks drei!), but i still need to download all the songs i had in the freaking kazaa.shiyet.
so yesterday afternoon, i went to villman at SM north edsa, to visit my laptop's pedia. hehehe... she was only 2 weeks old yesterday and she was already sick! anyway, doc Ian, the pedia, checked her up and did some installing and updating and after about an hour and a half in the shop, she was able to go home with me.yey! but i'm guilty. as i was sitting there in front of the doc and my baby, i suddenly saw how handsome the doc is. (shit..please slap me now because i really think i'm such a loser!!) i dunno.. he's not really that handsome..ok fine, he's cute.. i think even my mom has a crush on'him... or fancies him..whatever..but i really shouldn't entertain thoughts like this. hayyyy... kadiri.
so after the check up and all, i went home grinning myself to death and realizing how immature i am getting a crush on that guy. sheesh..

i'm currently having a movie marathon by myself..how lonely. so far, i've watched sex drive--weird weird movie, really shallow and duh, bastos and Blue crush-- i liked this one. the girls were so cute in their bikinis! hehehe and they surfed like mad. galing. so, i have yet to watch Stand by Me, Road to perdition(linlin, got the idea of renting that, from your blog) and Full frontal. I don't know what i was thinking renting 5 vcds at one time, but i guess i'll make it before all those are due.

i remember talking to jeri about this the other day.. i was wondering how boring some people's lives could get, especially when they seem to have their own worlds. I just thought about it because it seemed apt to me that time. Not that i have my own world. I just know some people who have. Jeri said probably, it wasn't boring for those people because the fact that they were not complaining meant that they were happy where they were.
although, i know some people who complain like hell but still stay in their world because they still find happiness in it. i know i'm more inclined to be like that. I just love complaining.

UPDATES ON MY LIFE:

i thought my IS teacher was going to skin my group and i alive. We weren't able to submit our outline for our thesis paper. But Mr.Brion was such an angel and even helped us get our bearings straight for our freaking paper..yey!

i haven't had my period for 2 months now!!! sheeetttt.. stress kse eh... bad trip! sometimes, i miss getting that bloody thing(pun intended) because at least i have an excuse for my bitchiness.

i've been eating like mad again! shet. although i don't allow myself more than a cup of rice every meal time, i still eat like a pig. sus.... sayang naman my gym.. i've been going to the gym for over 4 months now...where's the freaking proof??!!?!?!

i have yet to fix my room...sometimes, even the floor is hard to see.

a couple of months more to go before sembreak... hell weeks galore but i'm dillydallying forever.

i have a new planner! yey!!

i realized how hard it is to quit smoking...especially now that my mom goes through my bag looking for cigarettes, not to scold me but to get some for herself. (she even went here inside my room a couple of minutes ago asking if by any chance, i had cigarettes now---she was asking me the same thing last night!)

still have to call that resource person i emailed for the THesis paper... hayyy.... why do i have to do everything!!?!?!?!?

i have three new pimples...shit....

emotional torture

currently listening to: 88.3 song:everybody hurts


i miss the bench. i miss the usual faces i used to see every single weekday every break time.its so scary to think that those days will never be again relived. I hate it that everytime i go to the bench, it's occupied by strangers who i can't sit down with. i miss spending time with people who i practically spent the last two years of my college life. I miss the people. I miss the friendship that we all shared. I miss the gossips, the laughs and all the other fun things that we guys used to do. I really hate walking around school feeling like i don't belong anywhere. What the heck happened to the bench? are we that busy? i am on the brink of an emotional breakdown because of this gosh darn loneliness i feel everytime i go to school. suddenly, school doesn't seem that inviting anymore. that one thing i looked forward to every day i go to school is gone and it really makes me so sad. i can't explain how much i miss the people. i honestly feel that a part of me was taken away. hayyyy.....
you people don't know how lonely i've become without you guys.:(

shit.

the attack of the peter pan syndrome

how many of us 'kids' wish we were children again?Those milk and cookie days gave us so much contentment in our abnormally simplified lives. i wish i were a child again. i wish i could slack around in sunday school and eat all the free crackers i could and shout at the top of my lungs with my playmates. I wish i could act crazy and people would still see me cute and adorable.

i was at the sunday school toddlers room yesterday evening with tatin and manang because i was getting bored at the big worship. there, i pondered on life once more and on how old i am getting. I know i sound stupid thinking that i'm getting old when i'm actually just 20 years old. but that's at least a fourth of my earthly life already (if i'm lucky). i fear getting oldER and actually having to take care of myself financially. I fear the time when i'd have to go to job interviews and go home in tears because i feel i blew it. I'm scared of being in an office where everyone will ask me how my valentines date went...that is if i get a boyfriend by that time (SANA...)and most of all, i fear more adult problems. I have a couple as it is and it's getting really harder each day.

am i really getting that old?...fine.. mature?

last saturday, a couple of my high school classmates and i had a 'class reunion' where only a fourth of the class came. most of them bloomed into these wonderful looking women but practically, we were still the same shrieky, high school girls having a party. But i know things have changed. We no longer talked about crushes. we talked about schoolmates who got married, got pregnant,got children, who migrated,etc etc. we talked about our plans for the future, how much we wanted to become magna cumlaude graduates, etc. etc..
then it hit me. they're getting old but i'm not. i'm still the same high school girl madly inlove with someone who can never love me the way i want him to. i am still stuck with crushes whereas they are stuck with a child OF THEIR OWN! i remember saying "sila may mga anak at asawa na..eh ako, di pa nga nahahalikan ng lalaki."

so, i feel that i technically got oldER but theoretically, i'm still the same?

this is so confusing. i remember one family reunion a couple of months back when an uncle asked me how old i am and guessed that i was 16. MAN! that was 4 years ago! so not only am i getting not intelectually older, i look young! even my friends say i dress young for my age. can't help it, i feel comfortable in slippers and jeans and t-shirts. the only thing that can prove my getting older is that i get to drive now. But so can a couple of 16 year olds too.

mainly, i want to go back to being young because i want to change so many stupid decisions in my life. Decisions to change that probably would make me look and feel and act like i am really no longer a dreamy, indecisive teen but a mature twenty year old.

girl abusada and her sidekick ms. journ

a few hours ago, i was happily eating my beef calzone at Don hen west ave. with my faithful sidekick, ms. journ. I am currently home alone (with manang-partially home alone) because my parents decided to go and visit my grandmama at baguio. I, to my deepest regrets, was left behind due to my classes tomorrow. I really wanted to go ukay shopping pa naman. Anyway, i wasn't really supposed to splurge on my lunch today if it weren't for manang and her adobong pusit. I really don't like eating things more than 3 times in a row you know. I've been eating that thing since last wednesday night and it's already friday for crying out loud.choosing a good place to eat in the qc area can be very very confusing. we were going in circles at UP then at timog, then at west ave where we decided, against our light pockets, to have a lunch splurging galore at the donhen ship. so in we went and the waiters were looking at us as if we were a bunch of crazed juveniles eating out at a pricy place.. excuse me, isang linggo na kaming hindi kumakain kaya may pambayad na kami sa inyo noh! anyway, we ordered our food and when i realized i ordered so much (calzone and onion rings and pineapple juice) i called the waitress and asked her if i could just cancel my order on the onion rings. She said "ano po yun ma'm?" "yung onion rings, pwede pa ba i-cancel?naalala ko kse malaki pala yung calzone""umm...(with the look on her face na parang naaasar na pinakacancel ko) o sige" after a few minutes "ma'm sorry po, naluto na eh.." "ambilis naman, kakaorder ko lang ha.. pero sige ok lang. thanks." gash... that's why i'm soo bloated right now. And although i never really got to 1/4 of my meal, i already felt like throwing up.

anyway,,,,,

i got my laptop already. i'm glad. period.

i was thinking how liwaliw i've become the past couple of months because of my sched in school. I have been going everywhere and anywhere, so long as i have the money. I even go to the mall alone now. wow.. i must be really getting independent. GREAT.

wierd, I missed my period again. wow..what a topic. but yeah. i've been excercising and all but i still miss my period.what's up? hay.. labo labo ng ovaries ko.. kasing tamad ko.

when was the fall of rome? i got stumped with that question when i reported for my philo class. i didn't know it fell during jesus' time. sorry...wasn't born yet eh..

got the pictures of the horrid birthday bash i had a few months back. sheesh..sobrang halatang ayaw ko talaga. pangit. should've saved that thousand talaga.