for the past couple of months, i've been feeling really bad about myself. I have this feeling that i'm actually not good at anything anymore. i used to think before that i was at least good at writing but i suddenly feel that i have lost that thing that made me write before. this ugly feeling, this realization of my ordinariness started a couple of months ago when we were asked to submit a resume for this class i was taking this sem. I had to write there my skills, my interests and all the other crap that should represent me so that companies would at least think of getting me. i don't know what i'm good at anymore. I used to think i'm good at friendships but even at that i think i'm starting to suck. i think i'm being too clingy to some friends, i think i'm being too demanding sometimes. this evening, someone from the FGD that i'm going to attend on tuesday called me up to interview me/screen me for the FGD. she asked me how many siblings i had and i was surprised because instead of saying just one, i remembered to say two. i realized that i am now the middle child. i am a middle child who is in need of attention. but now that i think about it, it's not attention that i need. love? no. friends? no i have friends. self-acceptance.maybe. or maybe an absorbed attention from a single person who'll love me, who'll be my friend and who'll help me accept me for me. weird. i'm really feeling so bad about myslef right now. ihate feeling this way. somehow, i feel that i'm so low, compared to my friends who seem to know what they want in life. i guess that's waht's adding to my confusion as well. I have no idea what i want in life. I don't know what i want to become when i graduate. I don't even know if i'll be able to get a job because i don't actually have the best course in the innumerable courses offered by the Ateneo.
should i just live my life each day as it is? doing that would save me from all these worries. But i'm scared that if i do that, i might end up doing nothing in the future, i might end up with a more bleak future. i am seriuosly starting to hate myself. it seems like i'm not good enough at anything, i'm not even good enough for anyone. What the hell is happening to me? maybe i'm a frustrated actress. Maybe all this is a show and i'm just reading a script that some psycho made for me. i'm such a boring person. And making 'pa-cute' won't work for me. nobody will even notice that i'm trying to be cute already. this is not self pity. i'm just feeling stupid about myself. i wish that i knew how to pretend. just pretend that i'm not this stupid. i wish i knew how to at least make other people think that i'm not as boring as i really am. i'm getting tired of always being on the waiting end of something. be it in friendships, relationships and my future.

9:36 am - i cried like a kid last night
from now on, i swear not to eat chicharon bulaklak anymore.
last night, while my mom was doing our grocery, my dad bought chicharon bulaklak for me. all throughout the day, i have been eating like a glutton consuming and having a taste of everything that was on the table. I don't know why i'm being such a pig. (maybe PMS...shet na PMS to..ang tagal na) anyway, when i got home, my stomach was hurting like hell. It was like a mix of a bad stomach and gas. i tried to be an adult about it. asked our maid to buy me medicine and then tried rubbing my tummy with oil. But to no avail. it was still hurting like hell.. then i texted my mom to go to my room. when she came there...i cried like a kid! i was complaining and hugging her and i was actually feeling so bad that having my mom beside me last night made things a whole lot better. she had me take tea and i slept in their room last night. I really felt like a baby. But somehow, i really enjoyed it.
i woke up last night and noticed that my mom was far from me. i pulled her close and hugged her and slept again. it was great having her beside me last night.

just recieved a chain text message from my tita about praying to mama mary and having faith..sayang piso nya. in 8 days, if i pass this message, something i have long waited for will happen. Wow...:p

kakatapos lang ng philo orals ko kaninang alas cuatro ng hapon. nakakaloka.. kinailangan kong ipaliwanag kung bakit tinatawag na unggoy na walang balahibo ang tao minsan. shet. may mga taong mukha at asal unggoy..pwede na ba yun?
mahaba haba din ang oral test ko.. 20 minutes akong nakikipagdebatihan sa teacher ko at sa 20 minutes na un, siguro ay lumipas ang 5 minuto kaka ummm... at amm..... ko. isa nga lang nasabi ko nang nakalabas na ko ng room...

anak ng powta.


bagsak na naman siguro ako sa oral test na yun... what's new? lagi na lang D ang binibigay sakin ng strebel sa mga orals. ang hirap nito, sobrang bait nya na tao na hindi ko makuhang magalit sa kanya..at kung sa bagay, ako naman ang gumagawa ng grado ko..sinusulat lang nya.. pero kahit na.

buong araw akong nag-aral para sa test na yun. 12 thesis statements ang inaral ko at isang required reading. tapos sa loob ng 20 minuto, 1 thesis statement lang ang kinailangan kong pagtuunan at ung 1 required reading.

sa tuesday may long test pa ko sa noli. namimiss ko na basahin si jose rizal. mamya bago ako matulog.

kanina pa masakit ung tiyan ko dahil nakadapa ako sa sahig ngayon. hirap kse ng walang patungan ng kompyuter sa kwarto. masakit ng tiyan ko, ipit pa hinaharap ko, at kumikirot na likod ko.

ang bagal pa ng kompyuter na to. nagtatampo ata sakin dahil 2 beses ko sha pinahiram sa ibang tao. napagalitan pa nga ako ng nanay ko dahil pinahiram ko sha. (by the way, her name is Nixy.) suppeeerrr bagal nya na tila pinaparamdam talaga sakin ang pagtatampo nya...sorry na nga eh.

nababaliw na ko... binibigyan ko ng pagmamalay sarili ang isang materyal na bagay.. ayan... philosophy din yan.

nung thursday, natapos na sa wakas ang kakalokang launch ng METROPOLITAN THEATRE GUILD FOUNDATION (MET)(final project ko para sa ARTS MANAGEMENT CLASS ko) mula 2 pm hanggang 6 ay rehearsal kami ng rehearsal ng visual presentation,lights,music and acts. pero masaya naman... libre kami ng 2 piece chickenjoy for lunch at sweet and sour pork lauriat ng chowking for dinner. tapos nung launch na mismo,sige kami ng kain ng mga kaklase kong matatakaw ng cocktail food...calamares,hungarian sausages, cheese sticks, chicken kebab , etc. na star struck pala ako dahil andun sa launch si SWEET john lapuz and si jessica Zafra. cute nila.
at..wow..this is the best part.. yung technician na kasama ko sa avp eh napakakulit..lord..gusto ko shang sakalin.. hinihingi ba naman ang number ko sa cel at sana daw eh maging textmates kami...sus... may nalalaman pa shang "wala naman sigurong magaglit diba? wala ka namang boyfriend diba?" lord... nang matapos ung trabaho namin, takbo agad ako sa mga kaklase ko. katakot..and to think na mukha na shang may asawa at 5 anak... nyyyyyyiikkkkeeeesss...nakakadiri.

kung interesado pala kayo maging actor sa premiere production ng MET, sabihin nyo lang sakin, may auditions pala para sa play (midsummernight's dream) on FEB 12,13 and 14 sa Astoria plaza. if you wanna check out their site, it's at http://www.themet.ph yan ata yun.. or .com. i'm not too sure..

oh well... alas onse na pala...
kanina habang nanonood ako ng search for a star sa tv eh napakanta na rin ako.. tumayo pa nga ako at ginawa kong mic ang remote control ng tv ko.. loka loka na nga talaga ako..

goodnite!